Oct 24, 2008

Donkey Riding

Sam says:
"In Spain we have a saying, you cannot ride the donkey and suck his cock all at the same time" - No Heroics
Mike says:
hahaha
Jim says:
hahah
Sam says:
"You know what I'm saying"
Jim says:
I finally watched the first one.
Jim says:
it was ok
Jim says:
but not great
Sam says:
yeah
Jim says:
do they get better?
Sam says:
not really
Sam says:
they have the odd really funny moment
Sam says:
they are worth watching....at work
Larry says:
you know what's surpsingly funny? Two and 1/2 Men
Sam says:
really?
Larry says:
some of their dialogue sounds like it was pulled from prodblog
Larry says:
yeah, i was shocked
Larry says:
it looks all wholesome
Mike says:
http://vancouver.en.craigslist.ca/ele/891765188.html
Mike says:
Im thinking $350 which includes the mount
Jim says:
what do you want a new monitor for?
Mike says:
the kitchen
Jim says:
as a tv?
Mike says:
yeah
Jim says:
ah
Larry says:
he wants anything that includes the word 'mount'
Mike says:
like as in mount your mother?
Jim says:
but remember, you can't mount his mother and suck her cock at the same time.
Jim says:
see what I did there?
Sam says:
nice work
Mike says:
i see what you did thee
Mike says:
re
Larry says:
the saddest day for Child Mike was when his parents took him to see the mounties
Larry says:
totally not what he expected
Mike says:
you made fun of Larry's mom's cock
Sam says:
i see that being used quite a lot
Sam says:
Larry's mom's cock...i mean
Jim says:
hahah
Larry says:
to be fair, it's got some GIRTH on it
Larry says:
if you can't open up the chocolate starfish enough to take in that python of spunk, that's YOUR problem
Mike says:
um...the chocolate starfish is on your underwear
Mike says:
get it right
Larry says:
mine might be
Jim says:
I thought the rusty sherrif's badge was on your underwear.
Larry says:
yorus is wrapped around my mom's ginormous cock
Mike says:
it is
Mike says:
right beside the chocolate starfish
Mike says:
here...
Mike says:
lemme shoew you

Oct 21, 2008

The Gift of Faith

Larry
hey fucknuts
Larry
what are you getting rambozo?
Mike
beats me
Mike
ask Mrs. Mike
Larry
so, it's not a coupon for Free Hugs then?
Mike
maybe some body condoms
Sam
what?
Mike
coupons will work
Sam
you really do practice safe sex
Sam
but you are catholic, wtf
Mike
i am
Mike
NOT
Sam
you are
Mike
shutupshutupashutoip
Sam
don't deny your faith
Sam
peace be with you
Mike
and aslo with yo---HEY
Sam
i'm not catholic, mother fucker
Larry
fuck, that Sam is a sly one

Oct 6, 2008

Sam pwns Jim

Sam says:
awesome boat http://withleather.uproxx.com/?p=10222
Jim says:
I dunno..
Jim says:
the sub can only go to 160 feet
Jim says:
pretty pathetic
Sam says:
how deep can your sub go, motherfucker
Jim says:
as deep as my imagination wants.
Sam says:
so like 20 feet
Mike says:
hahahaha
Jim says:
roughly
Mike says:
lemme check...yup! Thats a burn

Sep 24, 2008

Replacements

Larry
you guys do good work
Larry
i'm glad to be part of this team, to look like i'm doing something
Jim
yeah, this team easily accomplishes as much as one really hard working person could.
Larry
working part time
Jim
we really should slow it down a bit.
Sam
and not that hard
Larry
and not so much as person
Larry
as a highly talented monkey
Larry
with asperger's syndrome.
Sam
highly?
Jim
and not really highly.
Larry
moderately.
Jim
or talented
Larry
slightly above average.
Jim
or a monkey. 
Jim
more like a mongoose
Larry
large, sentient sea sponge then.
Jim
perfect.
Sam
a very dim mongoose
Sam
lazy
Larry
with rabies.
Larry
also, dead.

Sep 15, 2008

4 Degrees of Retardation

Larry says:
WTF are you guys talkiing about
Mike says:
yes. It is cool
Jim says:
nothing jerry, nothing.
Mike says:
backabed Jerry
Larry says:
this degrees does NOTHING
Mike says:
its weird....you'd think a biology degree would be more effective in our environment
Mike says:
what with Jim's desk
Larry says:
i know not to get to close.
Larry says:
no, imean my REAL degree fuckface
Sam says:
fucking common sense tells you that
Larry says:
'Writin' n Shit'
Larry says:
nonon
Larry says:
MY DEGREE tells me that
Sam says:
mine tells me you are close to exceeding your bandwidth
Larry says:
huh?
Jim says:
would you guys stfu or I'll come over there and Kick Some Ass
Mike says:
im using mine to the fullest right now
Sam says:
you can't be bothered
Jim says:
hmm. got me there.
Mike says:
two degrees?
Mike says:
Did you pick up a Bachelor of Boredom too?
Mike says:
Major in ennui
Jim says:
no, I have a major in Not Caring.
Larry says:
I MINORED IN THAT!
Jim says:
does anybody have a degree hanging in their office?
Jim says:
that we could replace
Jim says:
without them knowing 
Sam says:
we know Gerrard doesn't
Larry says:
hahahahhHAHAH
Mike says:
well...you could do that shit to Neo, but the fun would be lost when he retires and takes it home
Mike says:
never noticing
Jim says:
we could replace Neo's with a picture of a pig and he'd never notice
Mike says:
hahah...we should just hang some porn in there
Mike says:
People would sit down....look behind him at the wall
Mike says:
and wonder if they should say something
Mike says:
like:
Mike says:
"Is that a horse?"
Mike says:
fucking gold
Sam says:
Larry should be writing this shit
Larry says:
fuck
Mike says:
like that ad for the Christian Net Nanny
Larry says:
i got a degree to give you motherfucker.
Mike says:
and the comments afterwards
Mike says:
"Whatya lookin at Dad?"
Mike says:
"Just some horses"
Jim says:
hahah
Larry says:
'why is that poor lady grimacing?'
Mike says:
"That'sa smile, Son"
Larry says:
"Is she pooing out that horses ding dong?"
Mike says:
all
Mike says:
subtley
Mike says:
lost
Mike says:
how do you spell subtley
Mike says:
?
Sam says:
Larry probably knows how to spell it
Jim says:
goog question.
Larry says:
CUNT
Mike says:
fancy slang
Mike says:
fine Ill google it
Jim says:
that's not how you spell it.
Jim says:
and cunt ain't that fancy
Mike says:
that depends who you hang out with

Sep 8, 2008

Well....maybe you can.

Sam says:
Jim is not typing
Sam says:
i think he wants to see us jerk off
Jim says:
I've been hoping for that for the past 6 years...
Jim says:
why else would I spend time here
Jim says:
let me help you out.

Jim has left the conversation.

Mike says:
i thought for sure we were gonna get jacked off

You can't beat me......off.

Sam says:
Jim left
Sam says:
Jim thinks we're mean
Mike says:
he's still there
Sam says:
mine says he left
Mike says:
mine says he's still there
Sam says:
he's not typing anything
Mike says:
we can probably argue this for a while
Sam says:
how can we settle it
Mike says:
hand jobs
Sam says:
[PROD] Jim has left the conversation.
Sam says:
i don't see, oh ok
Mike says:
whoever wins first
Sam says:
but do we really need to jerk off each other
Mike says:
yes
Sam says:
if only Jim was type something
Mike says:
i think thats the point
Mike says:
the selling point
Sam says:
was would
Mike says:
was would?
Mike says:
wtf?
Sam says:
see my previous sentence
Sam says:
i really think we should include the other guys
Mike says:
if only Jim was would type something?
Sam says:
he's not here
Mike says:
are you trying to distract me while you beat me off?

May 15, 2008

BUMP in the road

Mike says:
Larry...need an acronym for BUMP
Larry says:
in relation to what?
Mike says:
the bumpy release this week
Mike says:
the BUMP in the release
Larry says:
k
Mike says:
you know the 40 foot gaping fucking pothol;e
Sam says:
our releases are always smooooth
Larry says:
Business User-centric Mandated Procedures
Mike says:
smooth like Cardinal in a club with the ladies
Mike says:
good Larry..now relate it to our release
Sam says:
it needs to mean fuck up
Larry says:
Bi-annual Unmediated Multi-user Problem
Mike says:
way to dumb it down Sam
Sam says:
on major fucking proportions
Larry says:
i thought brits weren't allowed to swear like that
Sam says:
been hanging around with Cheech too much
Sam says:
erm
Larry says:
heh
Larry says:
FUCK YOU BITCH
Mike says:
hhshsh
Sam says:
he is deep in thought now
Mike says:
thought...is that what they're calling it these days?
Larry says:
SHUT UP STUPID HEAD
Sam says:
Larry has a stupid head and a smart head
Larry says:
Baseless Unintended Multi-user Peer-challenge
Mike says:
ghey
Larry says:
ha! fooled you
Larry says:
Business User Multifractional Problem
Mike says:
Bitches Unintentionally Mangled Production
Larry says:
oh, something less formal
Sam says:
problem is not strong enough
Larry says:
but youc an't really use 'unintentionally', can you?
Mike says:
unknowingly
Mike says:
Btang Uisa Mfuck Pup
Larry says:
clever

Apr 8, 2008

Envy: a deadly sin woefully lacking

Larry
so you apparently want to go to some conference in Boston?
Larry
going to SF with Larry not good enough for you, is it?
Larry
the REDUNDANCE of Larry AND SAN FRAN would be TOO MUCH would it!?
Sam
hahaha
Sam
i've been to san fran before
Sam
the Larry part is hard to turn down though
Larry
you have friends in Boston?
Larry
knowing your complete inability to feel seething, debilitatting envy, I imagine they are full tenured Harvard professors, no? With a side job as a porn star specializing in guy on girl on girl on girl action?
Sam
You don't have a side job doing that?
Larry
no
Larry
my side job involves horses
Sam
ohh, oh
Larry
not the good end either

Mar 25, 2008

Face Mullet

Larry says (9:46 AM):
oh
Sam says (9:47 AM):
it's ok, you got the sex correct
Larry says (9:48 AM):
i'll get YOUR SEX CORRECT SWEETHEART
Larry says (9:48 AM):
i dunno where that came from
Larry says (9:48 AM):
four days away from my Sam
Larry says (9:48 AM):
it's, scarring
Sam says (9:49 AM):
i was just about to say, 9:48 first gay sex ref, but i just remembered Mike beat you
Mike says (9:50 AM):
off
Larry says (9:50 AM):
gently, though
Larry says (9:50 AM):
it's the first day of the week
Larry says (9:50 AM):
no callus inducing rubbing yet
Larry says (9:50 AM):
oh, there it is
Sam says (9:50 AM):
oh come on, like you weren't whacking off Monday at home
Mike says (9:51 AM):
who's Monday?
Larry says (9:51 AM):
it's not the same if it's not Mike, with his Southern Stache
Larry says (9:51 AM):
His Appalachian Sister Raper Face Mullet
Mike says (9:51 AM):
face Mullet
Larry says (9:51 AM):
i knew if i threw enough shit against the wall, some of it would stick

Feb 28, 2008

Midichlorians Invade MSN

Larry
so.. beautiful...
Larry
Love letter
Mike
haha
Larry
*sniff*
Mike
Does he also want to slit her open first
Mike
like the tauntaun
Larry
it's hardly a slit
Larry
a lightsabre makes a self-cauterizing CLEAN CUT
Larry
there could be no safer or more sanitary way to do it!!!
Larry
fucking n00b.
Larry
you are such a n00b, liike how jar jar tried to help his fellow Gungans protect beloved planet of Naboo, but failed miserably, only helping out by accident through some slap-sticky sort of clumsiness
Mike
you are hurting my feelings
Larry
you're a n00b like Anakin was when he tried to jump over Obi Wan from his hovering robot miner to the piece of jagged rock Obi Wan was perched on, only to be cut in fucking HALF.
Larry
you're a n00b like Greedo was a n00b to not just shoot Han before he sizzled his ass in the Cantina at Tatooine
Sam
OMG jay is so hawt
Larry
you're a n00b like Han was when he was trying to fix the lightspeed drive and R2 knew what was the problem right away
Larry
god, so many ways you're a n00b
Larry
it's EMBARASSING
Larry
man, didn't even have to TOUCH g00gle
Larry
i rawk
Mike
You're a n00b like when Rick Astley was gonna give you up but then never did
Larry
man, think of a comeback? or are you as inarticulate as the near-feral savage Sand People of Tatooine?!
Larry
don't you make fun of Rick
Larry
he'd NEVER let you down
Larry
unfortunatley for you all, I can go like this all day
Mike
oh dear
Sam
rick is a fall back all n00bs use
Larry
it sure is
Larry
see, matt's got my back like Han had Luke's back when he was trying to hit the ventilation duct of the Death Star that was no bigger than a womp rat, WITHOUT the use of his targetting computer.
Mike
okokokok...look...I need you to do this ALL THE TIME
Mike
it would rock
Mike
and not only on MSN
Mike
in meetings
Sam
in meetings, YES!
Larry
sorry man, i can't really speak taht well in meetings, i have the smooth sentence cohesion of Yoda
Mike
so im looking at similar dinign room sets online to the one that I want on craigslist and Im think damn...I can get a new one for nearly the same price
Sam
if leo become direktor, i guess they'll have to hire someone else to answer the registrars phone
Mike
turns out, the prices Im looking at are for the table only and the chairs are 175$ a piece on top of that
Mike
hahaha matt
Larry
are you feeling cheated the way that Yoda felt cheated out of properly training Luke before he cut his trainign short and went to Bespin to save his friends (even though he KNEW it was a trap?)
Sam
hahahaha
Sam
that changes things
Mike
yeah...well...we know how that turned out in the end
Larry
you know how that turned out in the end jsut like how Yoda knew Anakin would turn out because he was giving in to fear, which turns to anger, which leads to hate, and that way lies the dark side?
Sam
jay is on a roll
Mike
in the words of the chancellor/emperor..." GOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDD"
Mike
best part of the movie
Mike
"GOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDD"
Larry
no, best part of the movie is when former Senator Palpatine looks at Luke in an overtly pedophilic manner, then says "Oooh, I can feel your anger, pick up your light saber and STRIKE HIM DOWN."
Larry
Am I on a roll like the assault droids used to take over the capital city of naboo which have their own GODDAMN SHIELD GENERATORS?!?!
Mike
he looked at Anakin and said that YOU FUCKING NO)BCAEK!!
Sam
no bracket bcaek
Sam
wtf
Larry
stop perverting the movie like Palpatine perverted the fear Anakin felt for Padma's safety into a desire to join the Dark Side.
Larry
i need more lines to feed off of like the Rancor monster needed enemies of Jabba the Hut to feed
Larry
DON"T JUST LEAVE ME DANGLING HERE LIKE A BLIND HAN SOLO DANGLING OVER A HOVER SKIFF OVER TEH JAWS OF TEH TENTACLED MOUTH SAND THING!
Sam
ahhh, your weakness
Sam
we can starve you into silence
Mike
hahah
Mike
like the ...
Mike
Im enjoying this like Lando Calrissian enjoy a nice cold, smooth Colt 45
Mike
enjoys
Mike
dammit
Larry
why would you starve me into silence just like how yoda tried to starve luke when he visited him on Dagobah by giving him that nasty stew that he couldn't eat. Even though it was CLEAR that yoda preferred Luke's sort of food since he stole a ration off him when LUke crash landed his x-wing that he couldnt' raise by the force but Yoda could and make him look like a Mike, i mean a n00b.
Larry
you mean your'e enjoying this like Lando enjoys BETRAYING THE ENTIRE REBEL ALLIANCE JUST TO KEEP HIS FILTHY CONTROL OF HIS SKY CITY THAT"S EVENTUALLY WRENCHED FROM HIS TRAITOUROUS< GREEDY HANDS?!?!
Larry
everyone has a weakness just like the 2nd Death Star had to keep its field generator on the mildly defended planet of Endor.
Sam
Mike is make some deal like when....
Sam
making
Sam
does she ever
Larry
is Mike making a deal like how the Trade Federation made a deal with Count Dooku to overthrow the Republic?
Larry
I heard that, I heard that like some people in the cantina on Tatooine had heard that the Millenium Falcon could do the Kessel Run in less thatn twelve parsecs.
Mike
tweleve parsecs?!
Mike
-e
Larry
LESS THAN
Larry
so like, 11.8, 11.7
Larry
fuck,it could be 3 for all we know
Sam
"did you see anything while i was dancing?"
Larry
oh, that was funny like how the pre-industrial civilization fo Ewoks were able to defeat the clone army of the republic using nothing but large logs, a teddy bear like physique, and an indomitable spirit that made very single hard core ewoks fan want to STAB THEMSELVES IN THE ANUS HOLE.
Mike
thats called losing your audience
Larry
hehe, yeah, like who the Senate lost all it's floating delegate boxes because Emperor Palpatine used his dark forces to HURL THEM LIKE FRISBEES at yoda
Larry
i need some material over here, i'm dying a slow death, like how Vader slowly chokes the life out of his victims, particularly imperial fleet captains who mock the Force.

Feb 27, 2008

The Taint of Wallpaper

Sam says (2:22 PM):
rona
Sam says (2:22 PM):
home depot
Sam says (2:22 PM):
Wallpapers R Us on lonsdale
Mike says (2:23 PM):
GET OUT

Sam says (2:23 PM):
World of Wallpaper on esplanade
Sam says (2:24 PM):
Ricks Wallpaper Emporium on 2nd
Larry says (2:24 PM):
can't you get some shit free on CL?
Mike says (2:24 PM):
is that a general question?
Sam says (2:25 PM):
i have some
Sam says (2:25 PM):
i cannot help removing it though
Mike says (2:25 PM):
like you cant stop yourself from removing it?
Mike says (2:26 PM):
Is this a habit that you needed to share?
Sam says (2:26 PM):
yes
Sam says (2:26 PM):
it starts with a little corner
Sam says (2:26 PM):
a little rip
Larry says (2:26 PM):
are you talking about your need to peel off my pants when noone is watching?
Larry says (2:27 PM):
because i STILL belive that that disorder is TREATABLE
Larry says (2:27 PM):
if by no other course of action than by me getting Rip Proof slacks
Mike says (2:27 PM):
or treatable by just letting me do it
Larry says (2:27 PM):
....
Larry says (2:27 PM):
every time you say it's the last time
Larry says (2:28 PM):
then again, it does help me expose my taint to the air
Sam says (2:28 PM):
well stop putting your pants back on
Larry says (2:28 PM):
i told Lorrie that joke, but i can't remember why i was talking about exposing my taint to the air
Larry says (2:28 PM):
the joke fell flat
Mike says (2:28 PM):
really?
Mike says (2:28 PM):
Martha just LOVES the taint jokes
Larry says (2:29 PM):
for some reason, when i retell these jokes that go TOO FAR PAST THE LINE to Lorrie, she just sort of looks away, then idly twists her wedding ring, as if testing to see if it'll come off in one swift tug
Mike says (2:29 PM):
hahaha

Jan 30, 2008

This is how programmers get sick

Larry
so
Larry
on friday, i was feeling iffy
Sam
right
Larry
then on sunday, Mary is like, let's do that 2.3 km walk you do to the skytrain and have a day trip to Brentwood Mall
Sam
hahaha
Larry
i'm like, well, i'm a social recluse and shie from any sort of activity, so I figure I better do this before she leaves me for anyone with more personal acumen than a dying trout.\
Sam
hahaha, wise move
Larry
it's that day, of course, when we get three hundred fucking meteres of snow
Larry
it was a fucking hellish walk back
Sam
strollers and snow don't mix
Larry
i'm thinking it was going to end with me lighting a pipe, and saying, off-handedly yet in a decidedly constrained way, "I'm going for a walk, I won't be back for a bit."
Larry
anyhoo, she had a good time
Larry
oh, baby was in a backpack
Sam
oh nice
Larry
she thought it was a magical wonderland
Larry
i thought they were going to findour frozen corpses in the spring
Sam
slightly eaten by coyotes

Jan 15, 2008

Yes sir, Director sir

Larry
so why isn't Jim working from home?
Larry
why am i left to be a sore thumb?!
Sam
he said the paint smell is not that bad over there
Larry
but still, an excuse to work from home!
Sam
if the kids were school age, i'd be there
Larry
you can't just make idle promises like that
Larry
in five years, i'll remember, and test you
Larry
assuming of course, that you aren't PM Jones or Director Jones by that time
Sam
i'd make people address me that way too
Sam
Mr Director Sir
Larry
you should start now
Sam
hahaha
Sam
maybe announce it at the systems meeting
Sam
i'd like be addressed as Mr Jones
Sam
break them in gently
Larry
yes, slowly
Larry
or, alternatively, you can change your first name
Larry
to Misturduhrektorsur
Larry
say it's a homage to your german heritage
Larry
saxon heritage, even better
Sam
hahaha
Larry
teutonic leanings, even better

Jan 7, 2008

Multi-Lingual

Mike
just have Larry reply to her in Klingon
Larry
If it ain't broken, or cannot be traced to us...
Larry
what makes you think I know Klingon ? HUH?
Mike
oh...a hunch
Larry
just because I'm fluent in Cardassian
Larry
the two languages aren't even remotely related, you fucking ignoramus!
Larry
oh, who's looking stupid NOW!?
Mike
bloggerable

Processes

Sam
shouldn't this go to our pm to decide?
Sam
i'll forward it to Mather
Larry
i thought it was CharlieBrown?
Mike
have Mather forward it to CharlieBrown
Mike
that should eat up about 3 months
Jim
we should formalize our email forwarding process first.
Larry
haha
Sam
Nobody has told us officially
Sam
i'm on it
Jim
werd
Larry
we haven't formalized our formalizing process
Mike
Dear Jane,
Your email has been entered into our formalized email forwarding process.

Regards,

WhackaDoodle Group
Sam
Do not reply to this email.
Mike
ever
Mike
Someone may or may not be in touch with you
Sam
Our process is to fwd the email to the group and then assume another team member is dealing with it
Sam
Done
Larry
once our Nominating A WhackaDoodle Group Personnell to Contact Other Developers process has been formalized
Larry
our process sounds strikingly like our current process
Mike
APSPCOD
Sam
if it aint broken
Mike
NAPSPCOD
Jim
and even if it is...

Jan 2, 2008

High on A&W...

Mike says:
how do we continually succeed to put absolute shit into production?
Jim says:
we're just *THAT* good
Mike says:
its like we dont even have to try
Jim says:
exactly
Jim says:
like we don't even have to try...
Jim says:
anybody not from here can not understand how I actually accomplish something here by not doing anything.
Jim says:
just taking up a seat
Mike says:
you actually accomplish MORE than others by not doing anything
Mike says:
theyre in a race backwards